I want to share a personal story with you all:
During my entire lifetime I have struggled with my weight.
It begin from the moment I was born with me coming into this world weighing almost ten pounds.
Throughout school I was always made fun of for two things: my weight and for wearing glasses. I never asked to be fat and I never asked to be considered legally blind without contacts or glasses. I was also never shown proper nutrition growing up either. It was always fast food and the typical southern cooked comfort foods floating in grease. How is a small child suppose to know this was wrong when she was never expose to what proper nutrition was to begin with? Especially when my guardians never bothered to teach me.
My doctor would always lecture me about losing weight. It was bad. Of course it got to the point where I was so afraid to go to the doctor because of how 'cruel' they seemed. It hurt my confidence and it caused me to begin eating less.
By the time I started middle school I lost about twenty to thirty pounds by simply not eating as much. Of course, I stopped eating the fast food that was offered to me and made some other life style changes such as walking more and focused on swimming and playing outside. When I was twelve years old I was going through a very bad abusive home life. I don't want to go too deep into detail but I remember the foods I put into my body was really the only thing I truly had control over. I then discovered that I could simply take them out by making myself throw up.... so I did. I then became even thinner.
For the next three years of my 'teenage hood' I was still in a terrible living situation at home. My birth mother and I were left abandon and the only food left in the house had maggots roaming all over it so we lived on non perishable items such as oatmeal and canned foods. When I had the opportunity to leave that mess of a life when I was sixteen I remember becoming sick with Mononucleosis (or known as Mono aka "The Kissing Disease"). For two weeks of my life I remember absolutely nothing but sleeping and puking my brains out. I bet I lost about twenty pounds from this alone. After I healed, I finally felt like I had an upper hand - I never let myself fully have my appetite back.
I continue to "eat whatever" in moderation and in secretly got rid of it by throwing up in. Nobody knew about this - not even my best friend. It was the best well kept secret I have ever had.
This continue and became even worse during my freshman year of college. I had the aspiration of joining the Air Force after college so I joined ROTC thinking if I could meet the Army's fitness regulations then I could meet the Air Force's with no problems. I had never been through a 'tough' workout in my entire life so when I began doing PT this was a huge wake up call for me. I was also never a runner - I tried so hard but just could not do it.
I was also intrigue about how I could finally eat anything and everything I wanted whenever i wanted for the first time in my life and never had any supervision. You know, the campus meal plan life!
It was Chick-Fil-A breaded sandwiches everyday (I never had Chick-Fil-A before this because we couldn't afford to eat there) and all of the soft drinks I could swim in. And I thought it was okay because i could just get rid of it later and everything would be fine.
I gained about thirty pounds... in two semesters.
I was crying myself to sleep with my clothes not fitting me anymore and being out of breath by just walking up the stairs to get to class. It was embarrassing!
That summer after freshmen year I started watching what I ate more and tried my best to not make it all go away and to let my body soak up the nutrients the food gave me. I lost a little bit of weight by doing this but still had a long way to go.
I went into my sophomore year of college dating this guy who I thought was ALL that and a bag of pretzels. Three months later and he broke my heart and yada yada.
I remember I was so pissed off from this failed relationship. I was so pissed off at the person I saw in the mirror. I was mad that I let myself put so much into someone and gave myself the short end of the stick. Why do I not care enough to invest in myself???
I was at home for Christmas break that year too and felt so "off". I went to the doctor and discovered that I had Tachycardia. I was told the was,of course, no cure or treatment for this. I also discovered I had a heart mere. They couldn't help me unless I fell out in the floor. That scared me. My health was in jeopardy and I never cared until I had this heart problem.
So I started a weight loss resolution for that new year and I even tracked my process by keeping an online blog about it! I did everything right except I did not give myself the proper amount of nutrients my body needed. Again, you know why? Because I was never taught that. I ate literally one piece of bread with peanut butter and Nutella on it for lunch and barely half a plate full of stuff for dinner. I did give up sodas and I was stuffing my face with salads. I wish I knew more about macros back then because I feel like if I did I would have been able to maintain my weight better. The good side was that I stopped throwing my food up. I don't know if it was the counselling I went through or what, but I stopped cold turkey.
I ended up losing forty- five pounds. I had a flat stomach and fit into a size small for the first time ever in my life. I religiously counted calories and spent forty-five minutes before every workout doing nothing but cardio. I was finally so damn happy with my body for the first time in my entire life!
Then I met my ex and came the eating out and never cooking at home.The progress slowly went away over the three years with him. I kept working out and hitting the weights hard but I wasn't keeping up with a calorie deficit so it basically maintained my weight.
Then it lead me to now.
Since I've been with my current boyfriend I have put on some more pounds but that is because of his amazing cooking. I have started over again but this time with counting macros and calories and putting some more cardio back into my work out routines. I am losing weight. My clothes are fitting better but I still have fifty pounds to go. It is a long process folks, I've been down this road before but now I am better equipped.
I've been clean of bulimia for six years now.
It took me a very long time before I could look into the mirror and not hate the woman staring back at me.. I used to avoid looking at myself at all costs because I was ashamed of what I saw.
I had to let go of this "Hollywood wannabe lifestyle" as I got older. I could care less if I am a size zero and weigh one hundred pounds now. I stopped focusing on that and focused more on being stronger.
Strong out weighs skinny any day!
I want to have the muscles and have my booty double the size of what it already is (Kim K, I'm coming for you!).
I found self love by changing my mindset.
Also now that I am entering my late twenties I am taking my health more seriously. I am doing my yearly testing and taking the vitamins and supplements that my doctor has requested for me to take so I can continue my weight loss and live a more active and healthier life style.
I wish I could sit here and tell you the magic solution to gain a healthier view of your body image but the truth is I can't. Honestly, I think you have to go through the hell of hating yourself and learn of how pick yourself out of that funk. You have to be aware of how to train your mind whenever you feel yourself going into that state. We can't expect to live a life free of suffering because there is absolutely no growth in it. I know that is not what a lot of you want to hear but it is the honest truth.
I challenge you to take steps to live a healthier lifestyle and to MOVE YOUR BODY! I promise, the more you move your body the happier you are going to be. I have been dedicating time to the gym for the last almost decade of my life and I have NEVER regretted a workout - I only regret the times I did not go.
Talk to your doctor, talk to a nutritionist, and talk to a trainer. But most importantly, talk to yourself and be kind to yourself every day when you look in the mirror.
Your positive body image will come, I promise.
Before my first round of weight loss in 2013
After I lost the first forty-five pounds in 2014.
Recently. 2020
