It has been a long time since I have been on this platform. I took a while off from blogging due to many things happening around the Christmas season, and then some other life-changing events that occurred. I suppose you can take a wild guess by the title of this post that I have been out of a relationship for some time now which was devastating at first, but as time passes I am beginning to realize more and more how this break up was for the best.
I could sit here and give you all of the clique sayings and lyrics about how everything is going to be alright and time will heal your heart and blah blah, but I did not care to hear that at the time and I am sure you don't either. Instead, I can share honesty, my thought processes, and showcase the growth I have encounter with working with a therapist.
At the very beginning of the heartbreak, you literally feel sick. No literally, your stomach turns into this knotted pit. You can't breathe, your heart sinks down to your belly and you literally feel it begin to break piece by piece. It honestly feels like your world is ending. Life as you know it has changed and not for the better - at least that is what you think right now.
Those words and that moment keep replaying in your head even though you're still in the situation/ conversation. You're frozen. Can't move. Can't speak. Just in so much shock. You thought everything was fine. You did not see this coming. You knew that you and your partner had some issues but it wasn't anything that couldn't be worked out if you both compromise.
But that is the thing, you BOTH have to WANT to compromise. Not just you. Not just them. Both of you.
You're frozen for what feels like an eternity but in reality it is only for about a minute. At first, you have not even tried to process it so survivor mode begins to kick in. You just want to tell someone close to you - a family member or a friend. You just want to leave the situation and take a quick breather because you do not realize what just happened. Then a switch instantly gets flipped and you're raging. Words begin swarming out of your mouth and you literally have no idea what you're saying until you are on the floor in the fetal position crying so hard that you begin hyperventilating because you can't breathe. Your "ex" partner tries to hold a conversation with you to speak about the next steps but you don't even want to listen. You can't hear or see them.
At this moment your entire world as you have known it just ended.
That reality, that era, that chapter..... it is over without your consent.
You wake up the next morning with the reality of your old life being over. It hits you right in the face. You're now entering the stage where you literally cannot go two minutes without wanting to bawl your eyes out, and unfortunately, this is going to be normal for the next few weeks.
You get up and try to go about your normal routine except you're in the same hell because you haven't moved out and away from your newly ex-partner and you are not able to for some time.
You try to be around friends and family as much as you can because it truly helps with the grieving process. You give your partner some time but as you go away for the weekend you know that you're walking out of the house knowing they will not change their mind and no time or space in the world ever will. This is when we learn that no matter what you try to do or what you say it just doesn't matter to someone who has already made up their mind. You can't change someone's mind who 1.) doesn't care anymore and 2.) doesn't have any desire to try to make things work and 3.) doesn't see a problem with their actions.
I will admit that being under the same roof with this person for months after your break up is one of the most difficult things. You see them every single day and wonder maybe if there is a tiny mustard seed of hope left for the relationship to work out. Reality hits you that the answer is no. You find a new home, pack your things up, move out, and begin your new chapter without the person you thought you were going to marry.
You move on without the person you thought you were going to marry.
I had to type that twice because I wanted to put heavy emphasis on it. Does it sting when you read it? Because it is supposed to.
Being forced out of the life you have built with someone and what was your home for the last over two and a half years is heartbreaking. You have to give yourself space to grieve. You must grieve not only that broken relationship but what you used to call home. You must grieve that daily routine, those conversations - everything. That life is gone and it is never coming back. You cannot do or say anything to get it back. You have no choice at this point but to move forward.
Heartbreak teaches each of us different things about ourselves. With me, it taught me that I have spent my entire life depending on someone else for happiness. What do I mean by that?
I have emotionally depended on another person in order to be happy. I have never learned how to be happy by myself or how to give myself happiness. I was always dependent on that call, text, or that date and if I didn't get it then I was bummed and couldn't feel happy. When I dug deeper into this wound I discovered that it was because growing up, I was always showed that you're not complete unless you have a significant other. I was taught that there was no such thing as being whole by yourself and that you must keep going until you find that husband. You were nothing until you had a husband. Having a partner was the only way you could be happy no matter how independent of a woman you were.
What a load of bullshit!!!!!!!
WHY ON EARTH WOULD ANYTHING TEACH THEIR CHILD THAT?!
This is why I am grateful for the growth therapy has taught me recently because I now recognized that this inner child wound has kept me back when it came to relationships and trying to find a lifelong partner. I kept ignoring red flags that were thrown in my face in the beginning just because I 'wanted a husband so badly' that I was willing to give up my self-respect. I let myself go through so much abuse in the name of 'because I must have a husband', and in the end, I was dating a 'boy' who didn't believe in marriage because he was too self absorb and a narcissist. That is a story for another day.
When you finally break away from the environment you called home for so long, you then realize how toxic it was. You realized how controlled you were and how you were constantly held back from so much all in the name of 'love'. You finally take the blinders off and see that red flag after red flag was constantly being thrown at you but you kept making excuses for each one of them trying to justify this person's actions.
Sometimes you just have to realize that enough is enough. You have disrespected yourself for the last time and now it is time to level up.
These 'level-ups' and 'glow-ups' are not just a cheesy pop song. It is real life. You finally stop putting all this time and effort into someone who wasn't giving the same back to you and you begin to invest it in yourself. I promise that once you get to this point and you actually do the inner work NOT ONE DAMN PERSON WILL SHAKE YOU ANYMORE.
I wish more of us (especially women) learn early on that we do not have to have a husband in order to be happy.
It is called interdependence.
Interdependence means that you are living your life being happy with yourself while being alone and achieving your goals. There is someone else who is also happy alone and achieving his or her goals and the two of you decided, "Hey, how about we do this together since we are pretty good at it" and the both of you do so alongside one another while not fully depending on the other person for happiness or fulfillment because you already give those things to yourself. You have a healthy relationship this way.
Fill your cup first. Then you can share concurrently with someone else.
You have to learn how to be happy alone and to enjoy being your own company.
After this, I swear I just constantly want peace and quiet and to just simply be left alone (that might just be the Libertarian in me but it can apply here as well). I no longer care to even look into a romantic timeline. That stuff will happen when and if it happens. I am more concerned about all of these goals and personal accomplishments that I have been putting on the back burning just because I submitted to someone.
No more. I submit to no one. My standards got higher. My red flag radar is stronger than ever before. If it is not going to improve me, benefit me in any way, or make me a better woman then I don't want it.
